April 27, 2008

you are my dancing rhythm.

sometimes life is so good and other times life is so miserable that you don't think you can handle it. other times you get a wonderful blend of those two lives. that is where my life currently dwells.

life is pushing along and i'm finding hope and joy in so many things. i'm growing and developing a deeper love with others as well as my Father, but just as i think i'm reaching a level of joy that i haven't found in quite a while something happens that makes me feel completely alone. regardless the scenario, i find myself taking refuge in Him, and that excites me. in the good, He's there to smile with. and in the crappy, He's there to cry with. and when i end sentences with prepositions and start them with conjunctions He doesn't care, cause He loves my flaws.

life is getting rougher. i regularly feel like i'm being torn in two. i feel mature and naive simultaneously. guilty and free. confident and embarrassed. disgusted and in love. furious and timid. sometimes i feel like Satan is sitting on the bed next to me whispering in my ear that i should run away from it all - "just leave it behind and let it sort itself out. you're not responsible for everything around here." and while this is true, i realize that Satan is a coward and a deceiver. running away is for those kids of cowards. not me. luckily, i realize that Satan is a major SOB and that my God has my life under his control.

i apologize for being almost entirely too vague. i told myself from day one of blogging (lameduck - february 11, 2004), that i refused to allow myself to utilize blogging as a public venting tool, and i don't want to unleash negativity and borderline depressing thoughts on you. i wanted to dedicate this mug to my readers, not myself. it was to inform about my life, my thoughts, what i've learned and what i hope brings joy to YOUR life. not my own.*

so in that spirit, i'd like to share the following: God is good. always.

i think that is the thought i keep coming back to in this life right now. He has it figured out and knows whats best for the whole. so while things may look bleak at the moment, He's not going to let me out of his hand...the Bible says that somewhere. i think in John.

i guess thats essentially what i have to share with you tonight. deep? not particularly. new information? not at all. but, instead of the 57 things that could be destroying my emotions tonight and tearing up my heart, THIS is what remains on my mind and in my heart at 9:00 pm on a sunday night. simply that God is good. i feel like that needs to be in all caps and on its own line. and bolded.

GOD IS GOOD.

there. but for now - i'm going to bed. i'm running on empty and i refuse to rely on red bull until at least monday morning. its not really a goal. its just tomorrow.

-ap.


* - that is not to say i gain no joy from blogging. hopefully you gain joy from my blogging. henceforth, i am joyful too.

2 comments:

tuffy said...

much love to the coop...

bad diary days said...

good.
nick