TRANSFORMERS

i've just realized that i really have a knack for starting these things off with confessions...and this post is no different.

confession: i have never seen an episode of Transformers in my life. the only connection i have to them is Track 9 on St. Elsewhere.

i did see the movie tonight, however, and i'm considering going online and finding a massive poster of Optimus Prime to put on my wall right now because that was the most incredible thing i've seen in recent history. This movie has action like you wouldn't believe. First off, this thing is like 2.5 hours long and i was never once bored. i mean not one moment. it was like someone was tugging at my heart every single moment and it was just itching to flee out of my body. i was twitching through parts of this thing cause i couldn't stand it.

okay. i need to tell something about the actual movie if i'm going to consider this a review - the excitement is taking over and manifesting itself in my text. i need to start slow probs...ready break.

The flick starts with this kid Sam (Shia LaBeouf) and he's giving this bozo family tree report about his great great great grandfather or something...basically his great^3 gpa discovers the quintessential evil robot, Megatron. he's a big dude who, apparently, crash landed and buried himself in a glacier...so Big Nasty's been buried up in the arctic circle for a century or something and this dude accidentally fell upon him. BN's after this cube dealio that makes all electronics turn into evil robot things...basically he wants to turn the Earth into a killing robot and take over the universe.

but not if the Autobots can help it.

there are like 6 or 7 of these dudes, one of which is the old yellow Camero that Sam's pop buys him for his first car...he immediately decides to woo a lady friend with it, and since the car is an Autobot and is basically the coolest piece of machinery ever...wooing this chica is not terribly difficult. (at this point in the movie i was really wishing i had a sweet ride like that so IIIIIII could hang out with the girl Shia LaBeouf picks up...MEGAN FOX* is her name and she is a hottie to the Nth power.) i forget what her name is in the movie...i was too busy mopping up the saliva on my shirt when she first introduced her character in the movie i think.

* - i made sure i checked into her age before i started talking about how hot she was...even though i would never be one to be seriously in love with famous individuals who may or may not be within the comfortable "i'm in love with you" age range.....i.e. hermoine granger....but i didnt fall in love with her until Chamber of Secrets.......awkwarrrrrddddd.

anyway.

The movie develops and gets more and more intense as it progresses. Sam's ridonk vehicle transforms into a sweet robot and summons the rest of the Autobot Good Guy Clan (AGGC...but i just made that acronym up). Led by Optimus Prime...these guys are tight. OP (not overland park) comes from a blue and red semi and is....well, 'awesome' comes to mind.

There is fighting and lots of explosions and excessive metal clanking and clinking....and clinking and clanking. at times you can't really even tell whats going on because there are so many pieces of revolving metal and shrapnel clunking everywhere...but there is a point when the excessive motor movements move into slow-mo. i think thats when i sunk my teeth into my knees to control myself. every time these ridic machines would break into slo-mo was like watching Reggie Bush and Vince Young collide with an F-16. only everything is metal and it is in NYC instead of the Rose Bowl and i am in a movie theater in kansas instead of a sports bar in tennessee.

I went into this movie expecting nothing at all. I wanted a little bit of entertainment and thats about it. little did i know that this movie was going to destroy the universe i currently live in. I want to see it again and again. and then probably again.

plus Linkin Park did the end creds song. just when it couldn't get better...holler.

as i got into my now seemingly boring vehicle after the movie i decided this thing was like a Spiderman/Blade/Men in Black/Matrix combo feature...only Optimus Prime is way cooler than Peter Parker, Blade, Will Smith or Neo.
eh. maybe not Will Smith (turn it over and hit it).

-ap.