December 23, 2006


right now i'm stuggling with a number of unsettled issues in my life. some big and some not-so-big, but they're unsetted nonetheless. i don't really want to dive into them now cause i don't necessarily want this blog to ever be an inlet to my personal life, but i will say that there are situations right now that i am so ready to have resolved. in the past i've been really good about not letting the future enter my thoughts. i haven't wanted to worry about it and i haven't really needed to worry, but recently i've been so nervous about my future for some reason. maybe it is a good thing? i guess the future can motivate you to succeed, but i'm so wary to get sucked into "future" mode. college. money. internships. career....and females. where am i going and how do i get there? what is my plan? if you dont have a plan then you're lost, or so it seems. these things are dominating my thoughts out of nowhere. they haven't ever seriously haunted me before and suddenly i'm obsessed. there is more to life than all of these. i know it.

lately i've been thinking a lot about anxiety/anxiousness in life. i've noticed lately that humans in general are very anxious people. i haven't yet decided whether or not it is an American thing or whether it is in the human condition to be so anxious about life. i suspect it is both, i'm just not sure of the quantity of each. could be 5 parts America 2 parts humans. could be 1 part America 10 parts humans.

it seems like we are always so ready for something else to happen. anxious for the next thing in our life to arrive so we aren't so bored with the uneventful status quo. i will concede that there are certain times in life where one can truly not be enjoying themselves and may be ready for a change of scenery and/or situation (take finals week for instance), but i do feel that there is a greater issue with our society. we seem to never be comfortable where we are; nah, never just can't be true (just like on multiple choice exams); i'll play it safe and go with rarely instead.

we seem to rarely be comfortable with where we are in life. we're always eager to tackle the next issue and conquer the next event. the phrase "stop to smell the roses" just popped into my head and i think it fits in this. i feel like we're determined to live life like we're climbing staircase after staircase as high up as we can go. we make it up one level and we're ready to go up the next one in pursuit of where ever each of our lives is leading us.

i guess i do feel like this is heightened in America quite a bit. i feel like here in the US people rarely (if ever) want to stop the climb up the stairs. take the next job, work for the pay raise, strive to make it as high up as you can in life. dave and i were talking today about how people (in the kc/johnson county area, at least) find it almost embarassing to admit that they're attending johnson county community college. JCCC is the number one junior college in the US and people all over would be thrilled to go there, but i always hear the phrases, "well, i'm at Juco right now," or, "i'm getting my Gen Eds taken care of at JCCC right now." people always add in the "right now" at the end so they can make sure that the person they're talking to knows that JCCC is NOT their ultimate goal. upon the use of "right now" the speaker immediately admits that they are looking to move on; they're anxious; they're ready to finish the 'Juco staircase' and move on to the 'State School staircase'. just an example.

i do feel like we're all in too much of a hurry to get somewhere. sometimes we dont even know where "somewhere" is. i feel like God has given everyone amazing situations every day, but i feel like we're so hell-bent on going up/forward that we fail to realize the moment we've got right in front of us. we need to 'stop and smell the roses' for a change, or at least stop and check out what is on the floors between each of the staircases. why doesn't it ever occur to us that the status quo is okay? maybe the better life we strive for isn't the next floor up, but maybe its just a different outlook of the floor you're currently on. maybe we need to change the present instead go streaking into the future.

i need to slow down. take a deep breath and just enjoy. i am now, and i'm going to take advantage of now. at least i'm going to try. i've been trying to shed this for a while though and it isnt so simple.

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